bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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