some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
