I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
