When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
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