I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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