and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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