who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
