this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
