I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
me + whiskey = a bad person
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
