Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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