none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
