Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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