I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
