I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
