You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
