you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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