I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I stole a fireplace last night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
