I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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