Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
