i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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