I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
