I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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