I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
