I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
