you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
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