he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
