I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
