Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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