mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
