Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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