When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
