My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
