So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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