Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
