i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
