just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
