No stitches, just platelets and will power
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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