look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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