Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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