I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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