it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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