no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize