Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
