but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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