The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
