i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
