Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
