SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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