You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
