Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize