It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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