I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Is that strawberry winking at me??
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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