My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
