franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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