i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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