her facebook's as public as her vagina
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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