Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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