guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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