I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think people are normalizing furries
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
