I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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